I couldn’t look at this and not translate some of the names. Well. Most of them.

• Nahkahousut = Leather Pants
• Pallivaha = Scrotewax (though technically this is archaic Finnish that refers to neither scrotums nor wax, but this is what it sounds like to a modern Finn)
• Lemu = Stench
• Hinthaara = Fagsfork/Fagsgroin (“haara” means both a fork in something and the crotch region of a person)
• Sallittu = Permitted
• Kuuma = Hot
• Venäjä = Russia
• Letku = Hose
• Kaunaa = Grudge (indefinite form, so “some portion of grudge” would be more accurate)
• Vasaroi = Hammers (as in “he hammers)
• Riutta = Reef
• Takaperä = Rearback
• Pyttyvesi = Toilet Bowl Water
• Hepovaara = Horsie Hill/Horsie Danger (“vaara” means both a type of hill and “danger”)
• Homeperseensuo = Moldass’s Swamp
• Pöljä = Dumbass
• Alapitkä = Lower Long
• Sälliperä = Bro Rear
• Paisua = To Swell
• Egypti = Egypt
• Rannikko = Coast (check the location of this to see why it’s so funny)
• Kapee = Narow
• Koura = Large Hand
• Myrkky = Poison
• Tiukka = Tight
• Housu = Pant (as in pants)
• Vuoto = Leak
• Varvas = Toe
• Möykky = Lump
• Pikku-Melanen = Small-Paddled (“paddle” is one of the many Finnish euphemisms for penis)
• Iso-Kiimanen = Large-in-Heat (as in the heat of animals)
• Vetelä = Sloppy
• Paskalampinneva = Shitpondspoorfen
• Iso Mällineva = Big Wad Poorfen
• Kivesniemi = Testicle Peninsula (from this you can probably figure out that Kivesvaara = Testicle Hill/Testicle Danger and Kiveskylä = Testicle Village)
• Punaperä = Redrear
• Runkaus = Wank (well, one letter away from it)
• Terska = Foreskin
• Pikkumulkku = Smallprick (accompanied by Isomulkku, “Bigprick”)
• Mulkkusaari = Prick Island (“naturally located on Testicle Lake”)
• Saaranpaskantamasaari = Island-Which-Has-Been-Shat-By-Saara
• Peräsuolijoki = Rectum River
• Oranki = Orangutang
• Vyöni = My Belt
• Kiimamaa = Heatland
• Kusipää = lit. Pisshead, figuratively more like “Dickhead”
• Vitunviheltämäaapa = String Bog of the Whistling Cunt
• Suurkovanselkä = Greathardsback
• Kakkinen = Poopie (roughly)
• Paskalomavaara = Shitvacationdanger
• Kutusuvannonpää = Spawn-stream pool’s-end

It’s a beautiful country with a beautiful language.

It’s been said in various media that the Finnish words for “I love you” are among the ugliest in the world. I’m kind of inclined to agree. There are lots of sounds in there that really aren’t attractive. Even German, which often comes off as militant, has something as smooth as “ich liebe dich”.

Spoken Finnish and written Finnish are two entirely different animals. Written Finnish can be spoken as-is, but it sounds very stiff, jilted, and practiced. Spoken Finnish can be written, but it looks uneducated and can be difficult to parse.

In spoken Finnish, you’d be much more likely to hear the numbers from one to ten go like this: yy/yks, kaa/kaks, koo/kol, nee/nel, vii/viis, kuu/kuus, sei/seittemän, kasi/kaheksan, ysi/yheksän, kymppi/kymmene

Literally “fitness-hall”.

Tammikuu: In archaic Finnish, “tammi” was a word for the heart or core of something, especially a tree. Currently, the word means the oak tree. So the meaning of this month is “heart-moon”, signifying the heart of winter.

Helmikuu: “pearl-moon”, referring to the pearls of ice formed when snow and ice temporarily melt during warm spells and then freeze again.

Maaliskuu: “maa” is the Finnish word for earth, and in March the snow might first start to melt, showing the first glimpses of earth from under the snow - hence, “earth-moon”.

Huhtikuu: “huhta” is a Finnish word that refers to trees that have been cut down to burn later in order to create fertile ash-covered farmland. April was the time to do this, when the snow wasn’t as thick and the weather wasn’t as cold but it didn’t get too hot either.

Toukokuu: “touko” is the Finnish word for springtime field work, so “touko-moon”.

Kesäkuu: for modern Finns, simply “summer-moon”. But the name is older than that: in old Finnish, “suvi” was the word used for summer, and is still used in some places (all Finns know the Suvivirsi, the hymn sung at the end of every school year before students head off to enjoy their summer vacations). The word “kesä” meant the same as the current word “kesanto”, a field that has been left untended. In this month, fields that had been left untended for a year to recover needed to be re-tilled.

Heinäkuu: “hay-moon”, the time of year when the hay harvest takes place.

Elokuu: The autumn equivalent of “touko” is “elo” or “elonkorjuu”, the time of autumn fieldwork. Up until the 17th century, this month was also known in some regions as “ruiskuu” (“rye-moon”, since this was when the rye fields were planted) or “mätäkuu” (“rot-moon”, referring to August’s heat and unpredictable weather).

Syyskuu: simply “autumn-moon”.

Lokakuu: “loka” is a Finnish word for the mixture of mud and snow that develops during this wet month.

Marraskuu: “marras” is an archaic Finnish word for death (see f.ex. Latin “mors”, French “mort”). In the old calendar, November was the end and “death” of the year.

Joulukuu: “Christmas-moon” is obviously a pretty recent name. In the 17th and 18th centuries, this month was usually known as “talvikuu”, “winter-moon”, to signify the beginning of winter.

Kaatumatauti is an archaic Finnish word for epilepsy (the currently used word is “epilepsia”). It’s a pretty interesting name for an ailment: it can be roughly translated to mean “falling-down disease”, or more precisely yet still not perfectly, “disease which causes falling down”. Interesting way of describing the symptoms, isn’t it?

Nisäkäs (= mammal)

The word “nisäkäs” is a rather typical Finnish word in construction: it involves a noun modified by a suffix that adds a nuance of meaning.

Nisä = teat, nipple, milk gland

-käs = something which has something

Therefore, nisäkäs literally means “that which has milk glands”.

Welcome to Literal Finnish! This is a blog made out of one person’s desire to amuse people with the literal translations of Finnish words, as well as explanations of Finnish puns and other amusing linguistic things relating to Finnish.